Counting Out Time
by alphazodiac
Summary: Inspired by the Genesis song 'Counting Out Time', just some semi-ecchi fluff, Miroku finds a book, hilarity ensues.


Counting Out Time.  
  
Miroku was sitting on top of a brick wall, trying to look innocent, when he heard a voice, it was Inu-Yasha.   
  
"What the Hell are you looking at?"  
  
"Be quiet!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Be quiet!"  
  
"Tell me!"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
"What the Hell are you reading?"  
  
"None of your business."  
  
"What are you reading?"  
  
"NO!"  
  
"TELL ME!"  
  
"Well, okay. There I was just hanging out, when I saw Kagome walking by and I said to myself "My, does Kagome have a nice arse...' don't be mad because I have good taste, Inu-Yasha, so anyway, I decided to follow her with hopes of getting lucky... you know what I mean?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, anyway, she hopped through the well, I followed her, I got a nice view of the underside of her skirt... you know what I mean?"  
  
"Still no."   
  
"Okay, so I followed her to this really great place with like, magic rolling chunks of metal with people in them and they were like 'Vroom! Vroom!' and 'Honk-Honk!' And 'SCKREE!!! GET OUT OF MY WAY! MY WIFE IS IN LABOUR! and there was one that was like 'Deedoodeedoodeedoo!' and it had a big flashing light on the top and then some people came out of it and started beating up a weird looking person with black skin and then dragged him away. Also, there were cute girls.   
  
"I followed Kagome and then some weird street vendor hobo guy said to me 'Want to buy my oranges? I didn't poop on them or anything' and I said 'No.' and then I walked into a store, did I mention I was lost by then? No, I don't think I did, and I saw this book on the shelf that said on the cover 'Kama Sutra: a Guide to Sexual Technique By Robert Layne' and I said to myself 'Wow!' and I kind of took it and came back here. The End."  
  
"So what are you reading?"  
  
"'Kama Sutra: a Guide to Sexual Technique By Robert Layne'"  
  
"Wow, where'd you get it?"  
  
"I got it from a magical leprechaun with three legs and no hat."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No, I really got it from a magical leprechaun with three hats and no legs."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"NO, you blockhead! I got it from a bloody bookstore!"  
  
"Sorry."  
  
"See look, Inu-Yasha, I've got it all down by numbers now, because now I understand it. I mean, if I'm gonna make Sango bear my children, I might as well get thigs straight. Look! I've found the hotspots, Figs 1-9, these guys are bloody sexperts, they know that they're talking about, look at all of these erogenous zones! 1-6, No. 7, No. 11! I'm leaving nothing to fate!"   
  
"Wow."  
  
"I agree."  
  
He flipped to chapter 17, 'How to have great sex with women' and began reading aloud.   
  
"Sex with women is the best, I should know because I do it all the time, that's why I'm writing this book, no, seriously, I'm not kidding, I'm beating hot babes away with an ugly stick right now, okay, to have great sex with women all you need to do is..."  
  
Miroku turned the page, shocked to see Fig. 17-3, 'Nude man and woman having sex' and Fig. 17-4 'Clothed man and woman having sex'.  
  
"Miroku, what is that?"  
  
"Nothing that you have to tell the girls about, Inu-Yasha, on to chapter 18... 'How to have great sex with men'!"  
  
"No, wait, turn back, I want to see this..."   
  
Shippou stood below them and said "What are you guys looking at?"  
  
"NOTHING!" they replied simultaneously.  
  
"Whole lot of nothing, if you ask me..." He muttered as he walked away.  
  
"Now let me see!"  
  
"Whatever, here's the bloody book."  
  
Inu-Yasha looked over the novel and his eye opened wide.  
  
"That man... and that woman... are doing what?"  
  
"They're having sex."  
  
"They're... They're bloody nude!"  
  
"That's correct."  
  
"You bloody smut peddler."  
  
"Shut up, I'm gonna get laid and you're gonna be jealous!"  
  
"Pervert."  
  
"Half-breed."  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Miroku sat by the campfire with Inu-Yasha and Shippou, Shippou was throwing random crap into the campfire, like young children are often prone to do.  
  
"Shippou, stop it, you're going to burn yourself." Said Inu-Yasha.  
  
"No I'm not." Said Shippou as he burned himself, then ran off in search of Kagome and Kagome's magical healing ointment.  
  
"I've decided I'm going to seduce Sango."  
  
"I thought you were a priest."  
  
"So?"  
  
"You know, 'We shall not partake in pleasures of the flesh'."  
  
"The ends justify the means."  
  
"So, how are you going to seduce her?"  
  
"I'm going to intoxicate her with my witty dialogue and fleshed-out narrative."(Provided by AlphaZodiac)"And then, there will be a lemon scene."   
  
"I'm just here to advance the plot..."  
  
"Supper's ready!" Kagome cried as Shippou smashed the tube of ointment furiously into his head, trying to open it. The boys went over to the picnic blanket that Kagome had set up and began yelling at Shippou.  
  
"Shut up you little brat!"  
  
"Yeah! I told you not to mess around with the fire but no! you had to be Mister Pyroman, didn't you?"  
  
Shippou started crying, Kagome rushed over to help, dropping a pot of hot soup, the pot of hot soup got into Inu-Yasha's eyes, he started screaming, chaos ensues.  
  
"Excuse me, Kagome? Would you mind if me and Sango ate dinner... you know, alone?"  
  
"Oh, of course, go ahead." Said Kagome as the tube of ointment exploded, sending ointment into Inu-Yasha's eyes.  
  
"ARGH!"  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Miroku sat across from Sango, her eyes narrowed upon his.  
  
"I swear, you letch, if you try anything, I'm gonna stick my foot so far up your-"  
  
"Relax, I know, trust me, I know."  
  
"Pssst!" Came a voice from a bush.  
  
"Excuse me." Said Miroku as he stood up and walked to the bush, it was Inu-Yasha, hiding behind it.  
  
"Hello, Miroku." He said. "I would've been here sooner but it took me all of fifteen minutes to wash the spooge out of my eyes."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I mean I'm gonna help you!"  
  
"How?"  
  
"Did you know that..." Inu-Yasha barely whispered. "That demons have telepathic powers?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Well, I tell you what, I'm gonna watch and listen in on your conversations and then I'm gonna telepath you tips, okay?"  
  
"Sure, whatever, let me get back to Sango."   
  
"Wait- if you need anything, just think it hard."  
  
"Okay."  
  
"Move over, Casanova."  
  
"Yeah."  
  
Miroku returned to Sango and smiled.  
  
"What should I say?" He thought.  
  
"Say something about how she looks!"  
  
"You look beautiful, you're face is so... symmetrical"  
  
"Real bloody smooth.  
  
"I... agree." Said Sango.  
  
"Inu-Yasha, this is awkward!" Miroku thought.  
  
"Of course it is, with that sort of an attitude." Said the voice in his head. "Just tell her she smells good".  
  
"What?"  
  
"Can't you bloody smell it? Her scent is all over the bloody place!"  
  
"No, I can't, I'm not a bloody half-demon!"  
  
"Just say it, then put your arm around her shoulders."  
  
"Oh, now with the shoulder-arm ongoings..."  
  
"Just shut up and do it!"  
  
"Sango... you smell wonderful, you're hormones are just... oozing out of your pores."  
  
"Congratulations, you screwed up." Said Inu-Yasha. "Uh-oh, she doesn't look all too happy..."  
  
Sango turned a lovely shade of red (The red that one would, say, dye eggs in).  
  
"Please don't slap me, it wasn't my idea!"  
  
"What?"  
  
"It was Inu-Yasha's idea!"  
  
"Don't you bring me into this!" Said Inu-Yasha.  
  
Miroku shuffled in distress until a slap to the left side of his face (Which then, too, turned a lovely shade of red) put him out of his misery.  
  
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
Miroku flipped madly through his book, muttering to himself all the while.  
  
"I must have done something wrong, some sentence I've overlooked, some erongenous zones I've missed..."  
  
"You screwed up Miroku."  
  
"The book said I couldn't go wrong!"  
  
"But you did."  
  
"But Inu-Yasha, this is the authority on sexual knowledge! It can't be wrong!"  
  
"Now, put down that little tome of yours and put your head back on straight."  
  
"It must have been my fault! I must've skipped some chapter, some page, some sentence, some word, some letter!"  
  
"Wow, one missed letter made Sango whack you."  
  
"Shut up! I'm going to read this entire book again!"  
  
That night, Miroku read the entire book from cover to cover, then, when he woke up the next morning, he walked to the well, jumped through, and walked to the store where he had stolen it from in the first place. A man was standing at the counter, and Miroku slammed the book down on it.  
  
"Your stupid book is broken, I read the entire thing, it was your fault I didn't score with Sango, not mine! I want my money back."  
  
The End. 


End file.
